One of my closest friends grew up in a messed-up family. His father was abusive, often beating his mother and the kids. His mom was manipulative, probably as a way to minimize violence.

He spent more time at friends’ places than at home. Home was a place to avoid.

By our early 20s, he was in a serious relationship. About a year into their relationship, while we were hanging out, he said, during a heated debate with his future wife, “Be grateful I don’t beat you,” as if that were something to be proud of. To him, the violence was the baseline.

I immediately responded, “Dude, I know where you are coming from, and kudos for being more civilized, but that’s the norm, not something to boast about.” He understood it, and I still bring it up when he does something similar.

That was probably the first time I experienced how different people’s upbringings can be, even if they live next door to each other.

Twenty or so years later, they have two beautiful kids and are on the verge of separation. He is devastated, firmly believing he did everything right, and probably did if he is still comparing himself to his father, but that effort wasn’t enough to still be loved.

He admits his temper surfaced a few times, and given his size, of course the missus was scared of him, and the kids were too. And once he calmed down, he would feel bad and apologize for his behavior.

Yet they got to a point where he was set to leave their home, as it made no sense to share a roof with someone who didn’t want to be in the relationship.

And he is not the only one.

I ran into two friends I hadn’t seen in more than ten years. We were pretty close growing up. Both ended up in similar situations. Long relationships, over twenty years, started back when we were still close. I thought each of them had picked the wrong woman. Each now has two kids.

I know their relationships weren’t great. Both were cheated on, yet they wanted to make it work, so they looked the other way.

And all three of them are now in front of the biggest challenge of their lives. Being alone. It scares the shit out of them.

I know because they told me. Walking out of my own marriage into the unknown, and eventually finding my way back to happiness, gave me some credibility with them.

Interestingly enough, none of them ever lived alone or with a roommate. From home straight into living with girlfriends, turned into wives.

All three of them were raised in dysfunctional families. One had an abusive father, another had no father at all, and the third had a father who was regularly kicked out of bed to sleep on a couch by his wife.

Of course, this doesn’t justify their lives being a mess, but none of them had a fatherly figure to learn how to stand up for themselves.

This seems to be why they stayed in relationships full of resentment and struggle, and ended up with women telling them, “You are a good man, but I don’t love you anymore.” They don’t know how to be alone and be content with it, but they need someone to “complete” them. Eventually that someone gets tired of it.

I’m sure the situation is the same if the sexes are changed. I’ve seen those, but always from a distance. These three are happening right in front of my eyes, and the only thing I can do is listen, since giving any advice isn’t falling on fertile ground.

They are not yet ready to face the truth. I just hope they stay civilized till they do. All of them.